Some days I wake up and I feel great, other days I feel like crap. However, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. I cant wait to move and be situated into a new place, and what a turn of events that I will be living with Crosby.
Lately cold nostalgia has chilled me to the bones. It seems that everywhere I go there is a memory there. Every place I drive by there has been a memory attached to it that leaves me with this empty feeling. Its weird how I have only lived in Hollywood for two years but already it is my home and I know it by heart..every little place and hang out spot has a beautiful memory that goes along with it..I cant help but smile as I drive past those places.
I want so badly to go back to last year when all of us were here and had each other. I know I could walk into Dans house and crawl into bed with him and Lulu and be so happy. I want to go back to when I could drive over to Noho and drive around hoping to find a parking spot outside of Tommys place as soon as I could because I couldnt wait to see him any longer....for him to come downstairs to let me into the building, we go into the elevator up to his floor and into the house, take off my shoes, leave them at the door, and crawl into bed and sleep peacefully...
No one understands...that during that time, the entire world could fall to a million pieces and it wouldnt even matter, because we all had each other, and nothing else ever mattered...
I guess I miss all of you more then ever. It hurts so bad that I know we will never be able to go back to that time. I want so badly to just drive over to the house, walk in the door and see all of you boys dancing crazily to Lil Wayne, high off your asses, Lulu going crazy, cooking dinner, laughing until we cried, jumping in the pool with our clothes, the fire pit. When I think of it all I dont feel so alone anymore.
I never wanted anything more then the way I want you guys right now. Im tired of passing all of our memories around LA and not having it be the same anymore. I wasnt ready to let go and I had to, I had no choice. I miss you *nyfa 08, truly, madly, deeply......
As for now, Dan comes back to visit me from London and I cant even express how excited I am for us to be together. We will be laying in bed together all day and night ordering room service and talking trash about people we hate. PERFECT!
Anyway, there is a great song by Owl City called Vanilla Twilight. Its exactly how I feel......about all of you beautiful people that changed my life forever, whom I am honored to call my friends.
Vanilla Twilight
The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake I miss you,
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'll send a postcard to you dear,
Cause I wish you were here.
I watch the night turn light blue,
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.
I'll find opposing new ways,
Though I haven't slept in two days,
Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
But drenched in Vanilla twilight,
I'll sit on the front porch all night,
Waist deep in thought because when I think of you.
I don't feel so alone.
As many times as I blink I'll think of you...
When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.......
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