Because it has been more than just losing the truest of true loves..

"It was like someone had died—like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family—the whole life that I’d chosen"
-New Moon-




I cant believe its almost Christmas....where did time go? Where has it run off too and where is the past hiding?

Time is going to pass by whether anyone likes it or not, its the only constant thing in this world that you know for a fact will keep happening...Why does it have to hurt so much? Why is this NOT getting any easier? I thought that at least by now Id be over it, over him, moving on...I cant...no matter how hard I try...perhaps I should just stop trying and let nature take its course...

I cant help but feel betrayed by all of this...all my dreams, my plans, my future, it all fell to shit, and now instead of sadness I just feel anger..How dare you take the ground out from underneath me, but how dare I actually depended on someone that much, how stupid was I to fall THAT deeply in love with someone that I made them my world....how stupid of me...Months later Im still here, picking up the god damn peices of my world that was shattered...I know these are strong words to use but this is exactly how I have felt ever since we ended it...I feel like I was murdered, my life was murdered...

I cant help but feel anger everyday and Im so tired of feeling this way...Im in the process of moving and finding new places, this proccess was suppose to be shared between him and I and now Im left alone to do it...I know everything happens for a reason, for my sake I hope I find that reason soon...

Its so tiring living inside my head...I feel so much love for him and so much hate at the same time..What I would really love to do is beat the living hell out of him and at the same time I would do anything to protect him....such a tiring battle always in my head...I thought this was suppose to get easier?

But, the show must go on, despite whatever is happening...I must continue to follow my dreams and I must continue living......at least I have New Moon to look forward to!

There is this beautiful song from the New Moon soundtrack called "New Moon (the meadow)" by Alexandre Desplat...just the piano playing...I close my eyes to this song and I can feel the pain..the pain of loss...of someone you love more then anything but cant be with them because they left..it best describes the place I am in right now.....its also steller to listen to...

Well, the show must go on....and it always does.