So its 5:30 am..and I dont have work or anywhere to be..but Im up and wide awake. With a stomache ache and a broken heart. Perhaps the time when your in your darkest state is when things start surfacing that should have a while ago....And whatever happens in this situation, I know that all the questions are going to be the hardest part of it all to get through. "What happened?" "I cant believe it" and blah blah blahh..I can just see it now...
Michael Jackson says "Iv been a victim of a selfish kind of love and its time that I realize".....Its seriously time that I realize............Its time that I realize that the person im so in love with is never going to get help with his past and the issues he still has from it. There is nothing I can do anymore to help and its time that I stop feeling bad, yes his past is very sad but it can no longer be my problem. I have no problem giving all of myself to someone in a relationship but it has to be even.
Perhaps its best we both go our seperate ways, perhaps it will end up working out..Alls I know is that everytime you get mad or upset in a relationship you dont pack everything and leave. Its time that I realize that I am the only one in the relationship changing and making sacrifices...And maybe I am in complete denial of the situation, but I always like to give people chances and try see past the bad...but perhaps there is too much bad in this...
I cant make someone change and get help...They have to want to do that on their own...but for someone who has gone through what he has and still after all the years hasnt worked out the issues, I can no longer be apart of.....
This month we have lost a legend...and everyone has their words to say about it...For me it was big because I grew up on Michael Jackson, especially being in the entertainment business he has been a big influence in my life and career...and one of my favorite songs by him is Man In the Mirror.....well being in this business there are mirrors everywhere..dressing rooms, our trailers on set, makeup room, constantly one being thrown in your face between takes to see if everything is set..I cant ever escape a mirror...Well its time that I really TRULY look at the person in the mirror and start making changes....for me...for myself..and ask myself why I stay in these situations when I know they are harming to me....
It hurts like hell...and there is no doubt in my mind that whatever happens I will always be there for him, and he will ALWAYS be apart of me..if I do end up with someone else they are going to have to udnerstand that he will always have half my heart and iv learned to except it...but its time that he starts taking responsibility for himself and get help...and I cant suffer from his lack of harming himself by not getting help....
So Im going to take Michael Jacksons's advice and look at the person in the mirror and MAKE A CHANGE....its wayyy over due....and they say when one door closes another door opens..perhaps the call I got today from an agent telling me they want to see me is the door opening for me because this one is about to close....My first agent audition since being in LA.....this is big..and perhaps the start of something new...who knows....
RIP Michael Jackson
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